The Female Experience

I am writing another essay! Someone stop me! All you have to do is send in submissions - we’re always open. I know there are stories to tell, so send ‘em in!

Today, I finished reading a report about going undercover in the “gaming” world as a woman.

Here it is, by the way.

I wanted to rebut because some of it made me really frustrated. First, let me sum it up for you:

A guy walks into an MMO in “drag.” He’s clever, he uses a voice modulator for those times when he needs to speak as a girl. He uses a friend’s images, someone who does not have an already established internet presence.

The moment he hits the OOG boards, he gets bombarded with attention, free stuff, and becomes instantly popular. Everyone loves this dude because they all think he’s a chick.

Then, the drama and resentment starts building around him; when it comes to a head, he reveals that he’s truly a man, and apologizes for the deception. All the other guys are happy to find out that this person is really male, and they all have a good belly laugh and all is forgiven. Thank god this player wasn’t ACTUALLY a chick, right?

First of all, I don’t have a lot of experience with the digital gaming world. I am actually an MMO addict, and like all addictions, in spite of my being nearly a decade “sober,” if I were to fall off the wagon and get back into it I’d probably have the same issues I ran into as a teen.

So, for that reason, I avoid online gaming.

My last foray into the world of MMOs was with FFXI, back in the mid-aughts. I’ve never been a particularly charismatic person - my entire life, I’ve largely been ignored by the internet. Even though I present online as a cis female, I have not seen any of the attention that the “Sarah” character received (fun fact: I think that name is cursed. Every single Sarah I’ve ever met has been constantly bombarded with attention from men in gaming communities.)

In FFXI, I was usually playing with my then-boyfriend, and a few offline friends. But I did actually meet someone through the game, who was male, and who was/is by all appearances a genuinely sweet individual. He was never hitting me up for lewd shit, never trying to get into my online panties. In fact, most of our discussions revolved around how he was planning to propose to his then-girlfriend, Nikki (to whom, I am happy to say, he has been married since and with whom he now has several adorable kids). Everything I did and made in that game, with a few exceptions from the kindness of my IRL buddies, I did and made on my own merits.

Then again, playing with a female avatar in FFXI - and playing as a real live female - were not uncommon instances. One of the better races was female-only, so it was generally assumed that an avatar’s sex did not necessarily match that of the player. So I’m willing to accept that in a different scenario, maybe players react differently to seeing a “girl” on the server.

Mostly, my geeky interactions are in the flesh, which is substantially more threatening and upsetting.

Something that the article writer mentioned was the unwanted transaction. Men often cite how awesome it is to be a girl, because we - apparently - get a bunch of free stuff. It can have its benefits, but largely what the men who envy us ladies forget is that there is no such thing as a free lunch.

In return for kindness that we didn’t ask for, free gifts we never requested, we are expected to do something in return. Often, we are merely expected to show gratitude, but sometimes even this gets tricky, especially if the gift or the person bestowing it is giving off scary or dangerous vibes.

Sometimes, more is expected. In the case of the article writer, pictures and attention were the currency. We are being “bought” - our time, our affection. It’s the whole reason the “friend zone” debacle is even a thing. We are given affection or kindness but not told about the fine print, that in return, we must fulfill xyz social or sexual obligations.

In real life, I largely get around this with my male friends by being a foulmouthed, pugilistic little thing. “I will fucking fight you” comes out of my mouth, quite frankly, more often than it should.

But in interactions with strangers, I often feel more uncomfortable expressing that side of myself. When men take pictures of me when I don’t want it, when they sit next to me or hover over me and engage me in conversation that I don’t feel up to having, I can feel the weight of that supposed social obligation on me. These men are giving me the “gift” of their attention, so I must respond in kind.

But what if I told you guys that attention and items are worth much less to me than my own privacy? My own agency? Mindblowing.

And yet, our society does not give us an opportunity to refuse these offerings without being labeled as something horrible; even in the article, when the character of “Sarah” attempted to reimburse her benefactors for their gifts with their actual monetary value, she was shot down and denied - made unable to purchase her own freedom from those who would rather have had a girl on call to send them pictures or listen to their awkward advances.

One thing I really disagreed with, however, was the writer’s assertion that women are given “free passes” to act out or speak their minds. I found the idea entirely laughable from my own personal standpoint.

Women are taught to take up as little physical and verbal space as possible. For that reason, a man can write an article about feminism and be lauded for it, while a woman could say the same things and be blacklisted by the internet community at large. A man can swear with impunity, but a woman who does so is then subjected to scrutiny over her actual gender, her sexuality, and her moral fiber. No, in my experience, speaking out as a woman very rarely has only positive effects. At worst, the prospect can be very literally dangerous, because so many of us are ill-equipped to face the physical stature of our male counterparts. Even though I’m prepared for fisticuffs, like, 24/7, I know intellectually that at 5'3", 135 lbs, with no martial arts training whatsoever, I would not last long against a larger combatant.

Usually it’s only the “ridiculousness” of a girl threatening to deck someone that diffuses a situation - I am NOT seen as a threat. I am laughed off, my anger is laughed off, and at times, my fear and hurt are seen as hilarious.

I also want to take this moment to mention the issue of female-on-male abuse, and why male survivors of abuse are so seldom taken seriously… because of this idea that women committing violence against men is so culturally laughable. But that’s really a different issue for a different blog.

Back to the article, and the issue of the “free pass” - it contradicts itself. The article goes into great depth about the drama that sprang up around “Sarah” just because she was a woman, without her taking part in it, even as she slept. The men involved were all starting to see her as being duplicitous, “sleeping around” with other men in the game, distributing her attention in-game too widely, and it all came to a head largely because of how possessive all these players were of this fictional person.

But of course, as soon as the writer outed himself as being a “dude all along,” everyone was instantly willing to forgive him. To laugh about it, and they actually expressed relief over “Sarah” being a man. If that isn’t a gender-based “free pass,” I will eat my hat.

In the flesh, I am often seen as a nonperson. In direct contrast to the experiences of “Sarah,” I am often ignored by convention-goers, who - for one reason or another - feel uncomfortable talking about games with a female-bodied person. When I am not ignored, I am forced into social situations that I cannot escape from - cornered at my booth by men who only want to talk to me about their romantic life, or my body, or their appreciation of my body, or how my body can be used to “sell” my product. I am violated verbally and physically, my likeness is captured without my consent. In subtle and not-so-subtle ways, I am often dismissed entirely as a human with agency, and talents beyond that spectacular feat of having breasts. And I know that I am not alone, not even slightly.

Men Hate Themselves More than “Feminists” Do

Or: When Nice Fellows do Shitty Things

At a recent convention I encountered a “Sh*t Not to Say” moment but I felt that I should also include the context, and a bit of deconstruction.

As per usual, I was at my booth, sellin’ mah books. I like having my partner around in these instances because where I am non-confrontational, he doesn’t shy away from saying what’s on his mind.

At a certain point during the con, a very nice older gentleman came by and I attempted to sell him my books. He left without purchasing, though later came back after my partner got done with his panel, and had a chat with him elsewhere.

My partner returned when I was discussing women in the gaming industry with another female industry professional, with several years of experience on me. We were commiserating when my partner chimed in, “Are we talking about feminism? Awesome - let me tell you what this guy just said to me.”

Apparently, the nice fellow told my partner that he couldn’t listen to my description of my product because I was too attractive. That he had to have the pitch from my male partner.

My partner replied that (in his words), “the pretty lady holding the books is actually a CEO, and did a tremendous amount of work on these games.”

To which the fellow actually said that he knew it was a shortcoming, but he couldn’t help himself, and had to literally flee my presence.

First of all, I can be pretty cute when I gussy up, but to be honest, I worry about this fellow’s daily interactions. Women make up about half the population, and all have the capacity to be quite beautiful. It must be a real pain in the ass to not be able to talk to a full half of the individuals that you encounter.

Secondly, this man never said anything creepy to me, and obviously knew how to handle himself in a social situation. He was not ill at ease in conversation, nor did he seem socially maladjusted in any way. So I don’t buy this idea that he could not, as an adult human, adjust his perspective in order to talk to me.

It reminds me of the outrageous cop that men sometimes pull - “oh we can’t help it when we assault you/harass you/rape you, we just can’t control ourselves.”

Bullshit. Yes you can. What is this outrageous idea that men are merely animals, only acting on instinct and the Id? Approximately 0% of the men I have encountered are actually like this. The things you say can be helped. The way you convey respect to the opposite sex can be helped. Even, when you work on it, the way you think about others can be helped.

So, to those generally pleasant men who “can’t help” their vices, I say this - you certainly can. You’ve made it this far. Stop short-selling yourself, and realize that you are capable of change, of respect, of altering your paradigm. I believe in you. And I’m tired of the excuses.

Gen Con Highlights, Gaming as Women, and the Backup Project

I’m going to get a bit personal for a minute. I think it’s important that I do this, because this blog does a lot of “pointing out the problem” without necessarily providing a solution.

At Gen Con 2013, I had an amazing time meeting some amazing women. On Thursday, I moderated a panel with Kira Scott, Brie Sheldon, Filamena Young, and Renee Knipe, some of the ladies of Gaming as Women, and shared a booth with Filamena Young of Machine Age Productions, with her hubby David, as well as Elizabeth Sampat. As a result, I learned a lot.

When I first got into the convention hall, I saw some folks - including Filamena - wearing a purple ribbon with the word “Backup” written on it. I didn’t know anything about this, and assumed it meant that the folks wearing it were there in some kind of official capacity.

A bit later in the day, my first creeper of the con stopped by. He walked up to me with a camera and looked to Filamena, who was busy selling her games. “Is she… your buddy?” he asked me, conspiratorially.

“I’m with End Transmission Games, and we’re sharing a booth with this wonderful lady and her husband, from Machine Age. You can find their books over there,” I said, pointing. “Mine are on this table, here.”

It was then that he walked over to Filamena. We again tried to tell him something about our products, and he mentioned the sign on top of our booth. “It says ‘collectible,’” explained Filamena. “But it should say 'collective.’ However, our games are collectible!”

He grabbed her wrist, and attempted to drag her over to me, as I hemmed in the corner of the booth. “You’re collectible,” he said.

Then, something amazing happened.

She looked at him, and in a clear, businesslike tone, she said, “I’m sorry, I don’t allow myself to be sexualized by random strangers.”

He dropped her arm, blindsided, quietly snapped a picture of me, and booked it on out of there. I was in awe.

I was in awe because she stood her ground, and because nothing bad happened. He didn’t flip out, he didn’t start getting angry or violent. He just left. It felt kind of like a miracle.

When we went to our panel, I was still kind of starstruck about how she’d handled the whole thing. Once the panel began, we started talking about the standard stuff - sexism in the game industry, at conventions.

It was then that someone on the panel brought up the Backup ribbons. The ladies fished out a bunch, and offered them to the audience. I’m going to let the Backup Ribbon Project site explain them to you:

If you take a Backup ribbon or you wear a Backup t-shirt, you are promising one very simple thing: You WILL help out anybody being harassed. Gender, orientation, presentation is irrelevant. You WILL find a way to help, whether by directly intervening, getting help from elsewhere, or simply listening the person being harassed. You WILL be there for them. You WILL accept that they believe they have been harassed. You WILL NOT question them or doubt them, You WILL give them whatever help they wish.

No judgement. No exceptions. We got your back.

During the Q&A session, a first-time con attendee asked us about our feelings about skimpy cosplay. I was excited when it came out that all of us on the panel felt very strongly about body-positive and sex-positive stuff, and were ready to defend the rights of any woman to wear whatever she wants without getting harassed or assaulted.

“The first thing I do when I see a girl dressed like that is think, 'good for her!’”, said Renee. “The second thing I do is scope out the crowd for anyone who might be [about to harass or assault her].”

This came into play later, in a very personal way.

On Saturday, I wore my Major Kusanagi cosplay. I looked like this.

image

Wearing no pants in a con environment was a daunting endeavor to say the least, but I love the character, and I love Ghost in the Shell, and I wanted to show it.

The first time someone asked for my photograph, I was stoked. I said yes, posed, and smiled. Then, the hammer fell. “So who are you supposed to be?”

I felt violated. Why did this guy want my picture? I thought he was a fellow GitS fan. I frowned, and explained it to him.

From that moment on, Filamena, my partner (pictured above), and I began asking - “do you know who I am?” before a picture was snapped. If the man didn’t know, the folks at my back gave him hell. I was informed of and protected from people trying to snap surreptitious shots, and Filamena and boyfriend intervened with any picture taking until they heard my loud and clear consent.

I felt safe. I felt “backed up.” And it was awesome.

So now I’m ordering a bunch of ribbons for my next con, because I want to let others know that I’m ready and willing to help them out if they need it. Everyone deserves to feel safe at a convention - hell, that’s what this blog is all about.

Back from Gencon!

Whew… I just slept for 13 hours.

Now, back to our usual schedule - submit! Tell me your stories!

“At GenCon this year I was the only girl playing an rpg at a table run by a large gaming company (not to be named). After being injured in a fight, I asked a fellow player to heal me. The GM described the healing as "you feel an intense tingling like you’ve never felt before sending you into multiple orgasms”. The whole table laughed and joined in on me. The game devolved into sexual jokes at my expense for the next hour.“


(Submitted by anonymous)

“I really like your costume” (screamed at me by a cosplayer because I wasn’t in cosplay)

I had JUST arrived to my first major convention after working a 10 hour day outdoors, driving several hours to the convention center, and having had my bus break down and drop me on the side of the interstate after a motorcycle driver was thrown from his bike into city traffic directly in front of my bus on my commute between the parking lot and the convention center.  I was still shaken up after the near-fatality I’d witnessed, 2 hours late meeting my friends at the event, and wearing a t-shirt and denim skirt that i’d thrown on in my car because I didn’t have time to go home and change out of my dirty work clothes.  The sarcastic comment from this particular caped villain made me break after the stress, sobbing on the sidewalk in line for the entrance.  He didn’t even apologize! 

(Submitted by anonymous)